What makes a good marriage?
It’s a difficult question to answer. What works for one marriage might not work for another. We are living in an age where people are, more and more, choosing not to get married and not to have children. It can be daunting when you do choose married life and begin to face struggles. So many nowadays jump to divorce or walk away from their marriage if their needs are not being met or that it wasn’t what they imagined it would be. Now, I don’t mean that all marriages should stay together no matter what, there are valid reasons to leave such as violence and other forms of abuse. I simply wonder how can people, who have chosen marriage, stick through it in a world that puts self first.
Marriage is first and foremost a sacrifice. A sacrifice of ourselves to and for each other. We know, as Catholics, that marriage is a sacrament. However, beyond that sacramental element is the natural understanding of marriage that has existed for generations throughout human history but seems to be forgotten in more modern times. That is, marriage is a lifelong communion of a husband and his wife, established by their free consent and for the sake of the generation and education of children. Marriage is difficult whether it’s a happy one or not and many are having difficulties, struggling with family life, having a lot of children or maybe not even able to have children and dealing with that. Then throw into the mix, work, school, activities/sports, household duties and so on, it can be a recipe for disaster. So, what can we do? How does a marriage survive?
Well, to start with, I think it’s important to point out that there’s no such thing as a perfect marriage. Every couple is different, every person is different! There are many couples who are very satisfied and happy with each other who have lots of differences, different temperaments, interests, and even sometimes values. Arguments happen in happy and difficult marriages. What those in lasting relationships have realised is that at the heart of their marriage is simply a deep friendship, this friendship bonds them together and gives them that unity needed to survive the arguments and difficulties. Think back to those times in the early days of your relationship, where you went to so much effort to woo this person you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with. Go back and reignite the friendship you had during those courtship days. When a marriage is struggling we can tend to become very negative and focus on all that is wrong with our spouse and with our relationship. It is so important to take on a positive mind-set so we can rebuild trust and friendship. Practically, we can be in contact more, sending a text to let them know you are thinking about them, or asking how an appointment or meeting has gone. Showing a genuine interest in our spouse is a great way to show we care. Carving out time in all the busyness to spend with your spouse, once a week or once a month for a date night. It doesn’t have to be anything lavish or spectacular, but just a set amount of time for you both to rekindle that bond in your marriage. Have a dating mindset in your marriage, that extra bit of aftershave or perfume when you’re going out, doing your hair and picking out your ‘perfect’ outfit to look your best for your spouse. That date is an opportunity then to get to know each other, to ask questions, listen, find out about each other's likes and dislikes. Get to know your spouse intimately, be well-versed in their hopes and dreams, pray with and for each other. Holding each other in this high regard will strengthen your marriage and allow blessings to flow through the grace of the sacrament of your marriage, on you and your family.
“The greater the friendship, the more solid and long-lasting the marriage will be, as we are united not only in flesh but in domestic activity.” St. Thomas Aquinas